LOOSING MY MARBLES WITH FIBROMYALGIA

What is it like having Fibromyalgia?

Well, you feel misunderstood, frustrated, angry, depressed and sad. It hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, you can’t sleep, you never feel rested, you forget, it hurts to be hugged, it hurts when your family and friends say things like (you need to exercise it will make you feel better) because you’ve tried and it doesn’t.  You feel lonely. You’ve cancelled plans so many times that you don’t get invited anywhere anymore.

I used to be active. I walked, I ran races (3 half marathons), I babysat my grandchildren. I went out, socialized, dated, traveled, shopped and enjoyed life. I feel like I have lost everything, my job, the respect of my children, most of my friends, the ability to support myself (which I’ve always done), my self-esteem. I don’t have a partner to share my life with (not enough energy/too many marbles). You feel like you are letting everyone and yourself down.

I’ve explained this to people before but no one really understands, so I’m going to try with ‘Marbles’.

When you are healthy, you are full of life and have all of your marbles, lots of marbles an endless supply.

Imagine having to give a marble for everything that you do but having a limited supply. You only get 25 marbles to use each day.

This is how it works.

You wake up to start your day, just getting out of bed – 1 marble, first thing you have to let the dogs out and feed them – 1 marble, time to shower, shave, do your hair, put on your make-up, brush your teeth and get dressed – 5 marbles. Next, breakfast, fixing/eating/cleaning up – 1 marbles, now what to do, lets bake some banana or zucchini bread, get everything together/mix it up/bake it/clean it all up – 2 marbles, better check on your grandson that you watch every day – 1 marble, need to water the flowers and garden (it takes effort going up and down the steps, dragging the hose) – 3 marbles, lunch time for two, more preparing/cleaning up – 1 marble, let the dogs out again and check the mail (more steps) – 1 marble, you are up to 16 marbles only 9 left and it’s just after lunch, you would love to run to the grocery but  you need to do a load of laundry both take 6 marbles so you have to choose, laundry it is, (groceries go on tomorrows list) you gather your load, down the stairs, load the washer, back up the stairs, back down the stairs, into the dryer, back up the stairs, back down the stairs, out of the dryer, fold/hang, back up the stairs, put it away, finally, now you are exhausted, it takes more out of you than you planned – 1 extra marble, you have plans to go to dinner with your best friend but you only have 2 marbles left, which is not enough so you have to cancel (again), you need to fix dinner since you aren’t going out but you still have to tend to the dogs using – 1 marble, now with just 1 marble left, another decision, if you fix/eat dinner you don’t have enough marbles to go to bed  so you have to skip dinner and go to bed using your last marble.

This is what it is like having Fibromyalgia.

I have a beautiful marble collection, I treasure it!

Thanks and Stay COOL!

ROUGH START TO 2012

My year started off just as badly as it ended. This is my story.

Mind you, hindsight is 20/20.

October 2010, I had to get a new Doctor, mine had to leave her practice do to her own health. I really miss her. This "Doctor" didn't know me and he didn't really try to get to know me, this wasn't good. It was like, "here is another script", I felt like I was dismissed! [I should have listened to my instints and found a different Doctor] I am very complex. My body chemistry is very sensitive and doesn't take well to medication, lots of complications. This was conveyed but what did I know?! It was only MY body!! So to my dismay, I went along with his plan for my treatment. **

This turned out to be so very wrong!

December 26, 2011, I was hospitalized. Seems that all 9, yes I said 9 different medications...ugh...had been building up in my system. This in turn was causing "side effects" that were "mind altering". I had so much in my system that my mind couldn't think straight anymore. I was crying all the time, feeling like no matter what I did nothing was right, everything was crashing in around me I felt like I didn't belong. I was shutting everyone and everything out of my life. I ended up taking to much medication (prescription induced overdose) and had to be hospitalized. But this was not the end of it.

While hospitalized, I was taken off of so many medications all at once, no tapering off, just cold turkey!! My sensitive body chemistry didn't like it and started to rebel while in the hospital, I was developing High Blood pressure, swelling in my lower limbs, and again, I expressed my concern, but I was sent home anyway. "Take these and make an appointment with your DOCTOR"!!!

**  Three days later, I saw my Doctor. He said that he couldn't treat me any longer and terminated our "Doctor/Patient" relationship, he couldn't handle my complexity and was afraid of a lawsuit I suppose! Another...Three days later....I was headed to the ER again. This time with a near fatal, Serotonin Syndrome!!

I had been prescribed so many new medication and taken off so many others that my system was reeling! One medication built up in my system so fast that it caused my body to nearly kill itself! I had no control of my brain, my body or my functions. My limbs were jerking, I had a blinding headache, my heart was nearly pounding out of my chest, I could feel my blood pressure rising and they couldn't even count my pulse! The Doctor was in to see me within minutes, even before the nurse and admitting. This was horrible! I have never been so scared in my life.

I have been suffering since, I live in pain on a daily basis and nothing feels right, my system is still going through hell! On top of it all, I am going through "menopause" too!! But this too shall pass.

I am now trying a different approach to my care. After much research, I am seeing a new Doctor, one who practices in Holistic medicine. A "natural" approach to healing. This makes so much more sense to me. I will never again rely on (mind altering and addicting) drugs.

I URGE all of you to do your research and know your body and what you are putting into it. Don't let yourself fall into the trap that I did. DON'T let any make you feel DISMISSED!! This goes for your FOOD intake as well. Eat natural foods. Stay away from "PROCESSED" foods. Cola's, man made "artificial sweeteners" and preservatives! These are all TERRIBLE for your HEALTH!

Now, I am on a variety of all natural Vitamins, ones that work to correct your bodies natural chemistry and keep it in check. My mind is finally feeling like the "fog" has lifted!! I am thinking so much more "clear" headed now. Truly a wonderful feeling!

I feel like the more time that passes, the better I am getting at least emotionally. Physically, well, this is going to take time. I realize that there is no "magic pill" and my body needs time to heal itself.

During all of this I prayed to the Lord for his help, to make me strong so that I will be able to get back to "NORMAL" and be able to live a some what productive life again. This is what I felt.....
              

This time I prayed it was different, I truly felt like the LORD was with me, like we were one? I have always prayed but I have never felt this way....ever?!? I felt such tearful joy, relief, life and love. I know now that HE is with me always and I now know that my life does have meaning. So for all of you that sometimes doubt and wonder WHY.....just remember the LORD is truly watching over us all. We are blessed.

Never take this precious gift of LIFE we have been given for granted! Treasure it, Love it, Live it, Hold on to it and treat it as such, a PRECIOUS GIFT!!

O God, thank you for this day. Give me a courageous, positive interest in everything that happens around me. Take from my heart all vain regrets and all empty dreams, that I may follow him who went about day by day doing the good of that day. Jesus Christ, our Lord, Amen.

I decided to share this with you all because it has come to my attention that "people talk", so you heard it from the "horses mouth" so to speak. I am not ashamed nor embarrassed about what I have been through. I believe that because of this that I am stronger and more ONE with the LORD! I am healing and my life is on a great path. I am blessed, I have all of you!

"I love you" - "I'm sorry" -and "Help me".

"Did you know that the people that seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones that need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are "I love you" - "I'm sorry ''-and "Help me"?

 I used to be a very strong person, I worked very hard at every job I’ve had. I raised my family the best that I could with what I had. I dealt with a lot of crap from their fathers and their NEW WIVES for many, many years. I worked hard to keep my home, yard and vehicle in good shape. I may not have gone to church but I have prayed all my life. I have helped my children financially when I didn't have it to give, I have helped others when I was hurting, when I would have rather been lying down. I have been kind to strangers. I have donated to charities instead of selling (even though money is very tight)  simply to pay it forward because I have received. Yet I get shit on all of the time, I get blamed for things that I had nothing to do with. I get shut out of conversations when invited to lunch with "friends" because they are all corporate and I am not, so basically I am ignored. I am holding on to so many things from the past and I don’t know why. I do not have thick skin, I get my feelings hurt all the time, also because I am not wanted by anyone, I don’t understand why I can’t make a relationship work, I am good enough to “play house with” but not good enough to marry, so I break it off with them so I am in control of my heart, it doesn’t work (IT STILL HURTS) it is just easier to be alone, but I am very lonely. I am told that I "sulk" (by my oldest daughter) when in fact I am in pain and worried and depressed. And I still have to put up with my son's father's shit, even though my son is 23, telling me that I am the problem when it comes to my son, he has no clue since he is still not around. This coming from a man who was a drunk for the first 13yrs of my son's life, then he gets divorced, looses his home, looses his job and gets two DUI's all while trying to take me to court for custody.....DUH!! ( More, Stress and Money spent, that I didn't have).

I have two daughters, the oldest has said she is done with me! Too much drama….?? The other is too busy to spend time with me! ( She used to send me pictures, via phone). This was the only way I would know my grandchildren. They NEVER bring them by to visit. They should be ashamed of themselves, If they stopped and thought about it, they are (repeating portions of MY life NOW) one day they WILL NEED ME and it will be too late because I won’t be here. I have had a very hard time raising my children, ALONE, they seemed to know more than MOM as teenagers and I have gotten the brunt of it all. My son has used drugs and alcohol since he was 15 and although he is clean now, we are dealing with a mental illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia). This has been the hardest thing to accept, knowing your child will never lead a normal life again.

 I don't deserve to be treated this way, I have been a good loving mother. I am a good person. I have turned bitter because "I have been treated badly for so long"! I cry a lot. I am tired of constantly trying to beg for my daughters to love me. I am tired of being rejected by men. I am tired of "fake" friends and I'm NOT going to take it anymore. I will get in any ones face that gets in mine to defend myself. I don’t leave my home anymore, too much pain both emotionally and physically. I’ve put my walls up again and I don’t know how to let go of the bitterness and let the walls come down again.

 I can not help the fact that life has dealt me this hand and I'm not sure how it will turn out, only GOD knows that. But I do have this hand to play and unfortunately it is a bad deal. I have several physical illnesses, I don’t sleep (Insomnia) and I am physically in pain every day, (Fibromyalgia & Arthritis, Anxiety disorder, Spinal Disorders, etc.). I know what I need to do for it, but I just don't have the strength to get up every day, as much as I want to. What I DON'T need is a lecture every day about it. I am an emotional mess already, I am doing the best I can, while trying to deal with all of this STRESS!

I have tried to be positive and worked hard to start an at home business one that I wish I would have started sooner, maybe taken some classes also. But I didn't and I am doing the best I can with what I have. It hasn't been easy to learn everything that it takes to start and run a business, but I am proud of what I have accomplished.

I would Love to be a happy person again and get out and enjoy life! Maybe someday.

"I love you, I’m sorry, Help me".

Cindy/Mom 11/28/2011

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEIGHBORS AND NEIGHBORS WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS

First a lesson in definitions:
            Friend~~1) person who knows and likes another. 2) person who favors and supports. 3) person who belongs to the same side or group.
            Friendship~~ 1) state of being friends. 2) a liking between friends. 3) friendly feeling or behavior.
           
            Neighbor~~ 1) one who lives near another. 2) person or thing that is near another. 3) live or be near. 4) a fellow human being. 5) be friendly (with)
            Neighborly~~ 1) kind ; friendly; sociable.

These definitions make me ponder my situation. I am left wondering just where I fit in and with whom.                                                                                                                                                                   Once upon a time I lived in a neighborhood where pretty much EVERYONE kept to themselves, with the exception of the occasional hello. Then about a year and a half ago, myself, the neighbors across the street from me and the ones next to them all started hanging out, eating and drinking and socializing with each other. And as I am not proud of the fact, because I include myself, but other neighbors were talked about and singled out about public family issues. All five of us were guilty of the gossip which caused DRAMA for this I deeply regret my actions. Soon the dynamics of the neighborhood were forever changed, this to I regret. Many misunderstandings have taken place. Many hurtful things have been said and done. I personally am ashamed of the way WE adults have handled ourselves, because WE have ALL set bad examples for all of the children in our neighborhood.          

I am ill a lot I try to get out and visit when others are out, truthfully I need adult conversations. Yesterday, I got out to borrow a couple of Tylenol from my neighbor who was out and ended up having a very nice visit and found out that we are really not all that different. To her I am grateful (she knows who she is) because I really needed the chat we got to have.

My dilemma is that I can hear when my neighbors get together, they have dinners together and gather to visit, make cakes for each others birthdays and well, simply put, I am left out, not invited, I try not to let it brother me but I can't help it, it does. :(

Once again I'm thrown back to high school where I always felt like a loaner. So even though I try to have a Friendship and be Neighborly, I surrender to the fact that I am simply a NEIGHBOR.

I TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AND IT ENDED WITH THE POLICE BEING CALLED!

I walked across to a neighbors to apologize for something that happened last October. Earlier in the evening I opened my door and told her Happy Easter and she responded with the same. I asked if they had gotten a new car and she said no that her husband had rented it for the weekend. I noticed that they had guest on their porch so I decided to keep to myself. Later it was just her, so I went over to offer an apology. She was eating something, I asked her if they had been at the other neighbors and she told me no they had been at her mothers all day. I told her that one of the neighbors was kind enough to bring me two plates full of food from the home where the Easter gathering was held. I sent thank yous to both of them. I asked if I could talk to her and she said no get off of my property I said fine I would stand on the public sidwalk, but she went inside her home, she came back out with the phone and had called the police, I promptly went back to my home. She was irate to say the least, ranting and raving at the top of her lungs, brought several neighbors out of their homes. I just kept saying that all I was trying to do was apologize. She came from two yards away onto my stup and was nose to nose with me yelling in my face, I put out my hand which was on her chest and told her to get off of my property, she started screaming at me hit my hand away and was in my face again, so I grabbed her by the hair and forced her to the ground and told her to let go of me, she had my cane between us and a hold of my jacket and wouldn't let go. The neighbor came down and put her in a bear hug and told me to let go, I said that I didn't have a hold of her, that she was the one that wouldn't let go of me! First there was one neighbor trying to calm her down, again she was irate! They wanted to know where her husband was and I told them he was down the street. Then there were three neighbors trying to calm her down. Next thing I knew was her husband was pounding on my porch, yelling at me that he was going to kill me, I told him really, he said I'm going to kill you bitch. So I in turn called the police for fear of my life. I went back onto my enclosed porch because a second police car was here and I knew that I needed to talk to them. Now they want to prosecute me for defending myself! What is this world comming to when you can't even apologize to someone. I believe it is a sad sad place that they must be in, to hate that much.

NEIGHBORS / FRIENDS / FORGIVENESS

Dear Lord, I come to you as humble as I know how. I confess my sins, those known and unknown. Lord you know I am not perfect and I fall short everyday of my life, but I want to take time out to say thank you for your mercy. Thank you for my family, my friends, a roof over my head, food on my table, and everything I have ....

Lord our God has given us free will. Lord our God, has given us the power to forgive each other also. During a breakdown, I have made mistakes, snap judgments and spoken harsh words to my neighbors/friends. I have tried to mend many fences, some are mending slowly, some I feel are beyond repair. At least from their side of the fence, because they won't even give me the chance to speak to them. Some I feel are being nice but I'm not sure they are sincere. I still feel I here whispers behind my back.

These Neighbors have formed friendships and I have been excluded, they help each other, check on each other when they know someone is feeling down, upset or ill. I am ill quite often, yet no one ever checks to see if I need anything. They gather together and the few attempts I have made to join them have been very uncomfortable, certain one just leave. Which I feel like I should be the one leaving.

I am who I am, not perfect by any means. I don't put on airs, what you see is what you get. I am a person with feelings, and they get hurt often. Not just by my neighbors but my family as well. 

The neighbors that I have "mended fences with" don't really seem to be friends but simply neighbors.  If that is what is meant to be then so be it. In the end the Lord our God is the only one who will judge me and that is all that matters.

I HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM BLOGGING/NEEDED TO GET A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK!

My life has been filled with ups and downs. I have finally realized that things could be a lot worse than I think they have been. Besides the Emotional and Physical Illnesses that keep me on Disability, I am truly blessed, you see I am surrounded by people that love me very much. From family to new friends to old friends to high school friends. My new philosophy in life is that I am "WORSE THAN SOME, BUT BETTER THAN MOST". So today is the beginning of my new life..... I will no longer let the small stuff hold me back, I will no longer be dragged into others DRAMA! I will start looking at the beauty all around me that the good LORD has put on this earth for us to enjoy. The power of positive thinking is indeed a very powerful thing and I intend to use it to the fullest. I urge each and everyone of you to do the same! I also believe that the small things that each of us can do to protect our earth, is huge when we ALL make an effort. I'm not just talking about making it beautiful to the eyes but also to the ears. We can do so much by just doing little things like smiling at someone or opening a door, saying please and thank you. Things that I grew up knowing as manners, which our society today has seemed to have forgotten. I like the "PAY IT FORWARD" theory, in fact I believe in it, I have seen it work.

 I hope you all have a Blessed day filled with Joy!