"Did you know that the people that seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones that need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are "I love you" - "I'm sorry ''-and "Help me"?
I used to be a very strong person, I worked very hard at every job I’ve had. I raised my family the best that I could with what I had. I dealt with a lot of crap from their fathers and their NEW WIVES for many, many years. I worked hard to keep my home, yard and vehicle in good shape. I may not have gone to church but I have prayed all my life. I have helped my children financially when I didn't have it to give, I have helped others when I was hurting, when I would have rather been lying down. I have been kind to strangers. I have donated to charities instead of selling (even though money is very tight) simply to pay it forward because I have received. Yet I get shit on all of the time, I get blamed for things that I had nothing to do with. I get shut out of conversations when invited to lunch with "friends" because they are all corporate and I am not, so basically I am ignored. I am holding on to so many things from the past and I don’t know why. I do not have thick skin, I get my feelings hurt all the time, also because I am not wanted by anyone, I don’t understand why I can’t make a relationship work, I am good enough to “play house with” but not good enough to marry, so I break it off with them so I am in control of my heart, it doesn’t work (IT STILL HURTS) it is just easier to be alone, but I am very lonely. I am told that I "sulk" (by my oldest daughter) when in fact I am in pain and worried and depressed. And I still have to put up with my son's father's shit, even though my son is 23, telling me that I am the problem when it comes to my son, he has no clue since he is still not around. This coming from a man who was a drunk for the first 13yrs of my son's life, then he gets divorced, looses his home, looses his job and gets two DUI's all while trying to take me to court for custody.....DUH!! ( More, Stress and Money spent, that I didn't have).
I have two daughters, the oldest has said she is done with me! Too much drama….?? The other is too busy to spend time with me! ( She used to send me pictures, via phone). This was the only way I would know my grandchildren. They NEVER bring them by to visit. They should be ashamed of themselves, If they stopped and thought about it, they are (repeating portions of MY life NOW) one day they WILL NEED ME and it will be too late because I won’t be here. I have had a very hard time raising my children, ALONE, they seemed to know more than MOM as teenagers and I have gotten the brunt of it all. My son has used drugs and alcohol since he was 15 and although he is clean now, we are dealing with a mental illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia). This has been the hardest thing to accept, knowing your child will never lead a normal life again.
I don't deserve to be treated this way, I have been a good loving mother. I am a good person. I have turned bitter because "I have been treated badly for so long"! I cry a lot. I am tired of constantly trying to beg for my daughters to love me. I am tired of being rejected by men. I am tired of "fake" friends and I'm NOT going to take it anymore. I will get in any ones face that gets in mine to defend myself. I don’t leave my home anymore, too much pain both emotionally and physically. I’ve put my walls up again and I don’t know how to let go of the bitterness and let the walls come down again.
I can not help the fact that life has dealt me this hand and I'm not sure how it will turn out, only GOD knows that. But I do have this hand to play and unfortunately it is a bad deal. I have several physical illnesses, I don’t sleep (Insomnia) and I am physically in pain every day, (Fibromyalgia & Arthritis, Anxiety disorder, Spinal Disorders, etc.). I know what I need to do for it, but I just don't have the strength to get up every day, as much as I want to. What I DON'T need is a lecture every day about it. I am an emotional mess already, I am doing the best I can, while trying to deal with all of this STRESS!
I have tried to be positive and worked hard to start an at home business one that I wish I would have started sooner, maybe taken some classes also. But I didn't and I am doing the best I can with what I have. It hasn't been easy to learn everything that it takes to start and run a business, but I am proud of what I have accomplished.
I would Love to be a happy person again and get out and enjoy life! Maybe someday.
"I love you, I’m sorry, Help me".
Cindy/Mom 11/28/2011
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