RESENTMENT~~GUILT~~ANGER

I remember hating High School. I went to a small school. When my sister got her license "Woo Hoo" no more riding the bus, we got to take her car to school. It was a red VW, I loved that car and remembered thinking wow this is going to be so cool! Little did I know I would end up resenting it and her........

 I had to ride with her every morning. At first I thought this is going to be great but I quickly changed my mind. You see, my sister would stop and pick up a friend every morning and then drive around smoking! I'm not talking about cigarettes either. I would beg her to let me out at the top of the hill and I would walk down to the school. But no, everyone would know that she was still out driving around.....ugh!! So I would wreak of it when I walked into school, and I wasn't even smoking it, but that didn't matter. I was guilty anyway. I started receiving stares from teachers and students alike. I will never ever forget how that felt.

That is one of the things I think that helped put me in the loner state of mind. I didn't run with the "pot heads", I didn't run with the "brains" group either, I didn't run with the "athletes", I just kept to myself a lot and floated between some of the new friends I had made, pompom girls and some old friends that liked to party (drink). I wasn't completely innocent I did drink some but never drugs.

I wish I had had the courage to "OUT" her back then, drugs and alochol seemed to consume her,  maybe SHE WOULD STILL BE HERE and OUR LIVES would have turned out differently. I miss her everyday.......I can't help being angry, at her, at myself, at the teaching staff.....I just don't understand it "WHY"????

CHEATED

For many of my early years I have felt cheated in life. I became pregnant and married at 18, I take full responsibility even though it technically takes two. And don't get me wrong because I dearly loved my child, but I felt like all decisions concerning MY life were no longer mine to make. I was told this is what you were going to do. So from the beginning I (WE) were destined to fail. Neither of us wanted to be married, but it was the right thing to do. We both played the part, made a home, became parents, got jobs, lost jobs, lost fidelity, got a new place to live, got better jobs, had another child, lost better jobs, lost trust, got divorced, all with in a seven year span. I not only felt cheated in life, by not being able to make my own choices but I was actually "cheated on in marriage". To be hurt that way so young and to not understand why? Well it has scared me. What did I do to make a man that wanted me everyday when we dated go from that to not wanting me at all, to cheating?? So at age forty-nine I still have trust issues, low self-esteem, and am still at a loss as to what my purpose in this world is.

LONER

Ever since I can remember as far back as grade school 7th grade I think, I have felt like a loner, like I have never belonged anywhere. In high school I floated between friends. I was never active in any school sports, clubs or outside activities. I didn't excel in school in fact I barely got out.

My parents seemed like (well were) good loving parents, just not involved. My father worked nights and my mother worked days. They were busy working and paying for everything they thought we needed I guess, somewhere in all of what I know as life I got lost.

I don't know to this day and I'm almost 50, who I am as a person, what I'm doing on this earth, where I belong. I still float between friends, still feel like a loaner even in the most crowded room of loving family and friends, I feel totally alone.