ON MY OWN

          I'm reading a book called "The Art of Being a Woman Alone". It has made me realize the the majority of my adult life I have been alone. Weather it was physically or emotionally, I have been alone. You see, even when I was married for a short time (7yrs right out of high school), I was alone in that marriage, emotionally and physically detached. It has been that way for me ever since. I have walls up that I can't seem to bring down, all though they have come partially down at times. Which allowed me to fall into another disastrous relationship and another and another. I no longer date.
         I have also felt alone at times with some of my closest friends. For an example myself ( a worker) and three of my friends ( financial managers) went to lunch one day, I couldn't have felt more alone and excluded, the conversation was all about the (financial market) which I new nothing about, so I was left totally out of the conversation the entire lunch. I just sat and ate while they told stories about their workplaces. It wasn't intentional but none the less, I was left out and feeling alone. The next lunch date I declined.
         I do everything alone, right now I'm sitting here writing alone. I shop alone, walk alone, drink alone, even when I do accept an invitation (usually to a family function) I sit alone, I feel some how detached.
         The trick according to this book I am reading is to accept the fact that it is "OKAY" to be a woman alone. This is a hard one for me. I crave the companionship of a man, someone to share my life with, cuddle with, dine with, make love with. I am secure in my financial world, which I know frightens some men off. But I am insecure as a woman, after so many failed relationships, I am left with walls higher than myself. This too frightens men off.
         I know in my head that it's not the end of the world to be alone, but in my heart it feels like it. There is always this yearning, a dull ache that just never seems to go away. Somewhere out there I truly believe that there is a middle ground that I will find. When I do, I'll find the hand that fits perfectly with mine.
        

THE NEW MODIFIED VERSION OF ME!!!

I am a woman getting ready to turn 50 with a debilitating illness. So far I have let it beat me and that's just not working for me!! I have gained a lot of weight in a short time and I don't know if it's the meds or menopause. I rarely leave my home, usually it's only to go to the Doctor or make a grocery run, which I dread.....because I painfully pay for it the next day. I have a hard time being around a lot of people without being medicated or having a couple of drinks first, (anxiety issues) and that's just not working for me either. I used to get out and go dancing all the time, oh how I miss that!! I have become undependable, I can't make plans because I never know how if I'm going to hurt or not. I feel like I have become a shut-in......

Somehow, I've got to get back to the old me!! At least a modified version of the old me because I'm tired of just existing......I WANT to be dependable, I DON'T want to become a shut-in. I WANT to start living again! So here I am.......

The new modified version of me, well, I love the outdoors, taking walks, photography as a hobby, I'm good at decorating, I am a self taught florist, I love animals, I enjoy reading, I watch movies of all types, I love candle light evenings and great music, (STILL LOVE DANCING, IT WILL JUST HAVE TO BE SLOW DANCING). I'm a romantic at heart and would love to meet the man of my dreams, who will be able to accept me as I am now because, I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell it like it is! I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle, but I love and give with all my heart. So people if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!!!

Can you handle the new modified version of me??

IDENTITY CRISIS

I started out 20 yrs ago (then 30) still wondering what I was going to be when I grew up.....lol! Then along came an opportunity for me to learn the skills of becoming an Optician! I thought this is great because I'm a hands on learner and that is exactly what this job was going to be. (I never was good at learning from books.) So I started May 6Th 1987, I learned every detail of making eyeglasses from start to finish. It was very satisfying to watch that little girl or boy put on that pair of glasses, that I had made, and look around the room and actually see things clearly for the first time in their lives, WOW! So day in and day out I was an "Optician". I would get caught up in the lab and wander out to the front office where it was always a revolving door of people coming in and out picking up or picking out a pair of new glasses. So I slowly learned the In's and outs of the front office as well. The more I learned the more valuable I became and the more money I earned. Then the opportunity presented itself for me to become the Lab Manager, this meant more money and it would be my turn to train someone to do the part of the job I used to do. Now I was the teacher, you see in Optical when you make a pair of glasses you have to be very precise, everything HAS to be perfect. (I guess this is where my OCD started to develop).

After 16yrs working at a private practice office, an opportunity came about for me to make a move to a Wholesale lab, more money, more benefits, better hours, I mean what was there to think about, right, well I left out the part about MORE STRESS, working under managers, not to mention UPPER MANAGEMENT!!!  What I thought was going to be a great career move turned out to be the catalyst that put me on the road to where I am today.

Today I am on disability, I suffer from Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Insomnia, Hyperreflexia, Degenerative Disc. Disorder, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I live in pain everyday. Some days are better some are worse, but everyday there is some degree of pain.

I am no longer an Optician, I tried going back to work at the same private practice office and I just couldn't do it. I am no longer a runner. I am no longer a cyclist. I can no longer handle being in loud crowded places without being medicated. I am no longer the grandmother I would like to be, I just get too stressed out. My house is no longer cleaned like I wish it was. I am no longer able to take care of my yard like I used to. I no longer accept invitations to go out with friends, it is a HUGE effort just to shower and get ready to go out. Now the only time I go out is for Dr. appointments, or grocery runs (and I painfully pay for that the next day). My home has become my refuge. My computer and cell phone are my lifeline to the outside world. I am no longer the person that I used to be. The days of going out, telling jokes, laughing, feeling like I belonged are long gone.

Today, I feel like I no longer know who I am, I don't recognise the person in the mirror. I feel out of place when I do make it to a function even if it is a family one. I feel unappreciated, unwanted and LOST.

WEARING ALL OF THE HATS/ STILL ALONE

When you are single, a parent, sole nurturer, sole provider, weather you like it or not, you get the brunt of all the good, the bad and the ugly! You work your tail off at your job, you work your tail off at home, you work your tail off to give your children everything they need and some how you fail miserably at least in your children's eyes. You see society has made next to impossible to be a single parent and survive it without your children resenting you. In their eyes you work too much and aren't around to go to their events they are in. You can't afford to pay for most of the events that they want to be in, and you sure as hell can't afford the limousine to take them to the "Middle School" dance?!?!?!? They are always mad at you because you can't give them enough because you have a mountain of bills to pay, your gone all of the time because you are either working or taking some "ME TIME" god forbid! They hate you and love their father's, yet you are the one doing everything for them.

It isn't until they are grown and have children of their own that they figure it out. They finally see the light that you did in fact do the best that you could and they did have most of what they needed or wanted growing up. That you did teach them valuable lessons concerning, how to run a household, how to be to two places at one time, how to be the very best parent you are capable of being within the limits that you are given.

Then you sit back and watch them trying to do everything you did, and the phone rings, "mom can you watch the kids we want to go out for the evening"?  And again you are thrown back into the ring of hats. You sacrifice your night out in order to stay home so they can go out. But you do so because their lives are so busy that if you say no you never get to see your grandchildren, much less your own children. You see at this point in their lives they are TOO BUSY to stop by and visit. So you take what you can get, you slowly loose your own identity, a single parent looking for another single parent to have as a partner, instead you become a single grandmother. And please don't get me wrong here, I dearly love my grandchildren, but I would dearly love to have a partner to share my life with. I will be "50" this year and am still alone, except for my pups. And at this point in my life it feels like I've been handed a sentence of being single forever, STILL LOST AND ALONE.

HOW DOES ONE FIGURE OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE?

I've been writing about my past up until now. Things that I think have made me feel like I've been lost, alone, unwanted and unappreciated. I've been learning a lot these past few months, through inpatient and outpatient extensive therapy. Through the material they have provided me and the books they have recommended. I feel it has been most helpful. I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on and understanding my emotions. I still feel like I don't really know who I am as a person and that I don't have much of a personality, I guess that means I'm insecure and don't have much confidence in myself. BREAKTHROUGH------realization about some issues I need to confront. I call that making progress. (smiling).

Another thing that I think I've come to realize is that sometimes, not always and not most of the time, just sometimes-----I tend to drink too much, I think it is connected with the fear of rejection, from friends and men. I think that I do it when I really like a man and I want to relax, because I get nervous also when I'm around friends because I've always been a loaner and I get nervous about fitting in. Wow, this is the first time I've really thought about it and talked about it. It is weird because I suddenly feel like I am standing taller, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a good thing. (smiling).

Seems today I have taken the first step towards finding out who I am as a person, that feels really good. I need to do some more soul searching and think about what else I need to confront!

THE REBOUND GIRL / GUYS WITH COMMITMENT ISSUES

After my last relationship with the "Psycho" I took a break from dating. I concentrated on myself, started running and also got some counseling. I needed to know why I had so many failed relationships. I wish I could have learned more but unfortunately counseling did little to help.

I started casually dating, dinner and drinks, nothing serious. But then things changed and I would meet someone who seemed to want a relationship, they would call all the time, we would make plans to go places, meet with other couples but then things would come to a screeching HALT. They had just come out of a bad relationship and was just wanting a casual thing!!  Total heartbreak for me, you see, I was looking for a committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. But that was not to be, I was the official REBOUND girl!! This not only happened once but several times to me, I couldn't catch a break.

I still to this day do not understand, I let my walls down, let men get close but still no one wants a relationship with me. I wonder, maybe I have been alone so long that I don't know how to be a partner, maybe I don't know how to compromise, maybe I'm so damaged that I just think I'm letting my walls down. All I know is that I am very confused about finding someone to share my life with. I have friends that are newly divorced and already have a steady relationship.

What is wrong with me?? I'm attractive, smart,  can carry on a conversation, have security, my own home and car. I keep a clean home, and appearance. My children are grown, and have children of their own. So no baggage with Ex's. What else are men looking for that I don't have??

In June of 2006 I started having some medical issues. I have become depressed, stressed, have anxiety attacks, insomnia. Jan 2007 brought pneumonia, and a  hysterectomy, June 2007 brought a cervical fusion C 5,6,7 a titanium rod and 3 screws, October 2007, a broken right foot. From there things went further downhill, I could no longer run (to painful). I developed, fibromyalgia, arthritis, spinal stenosis, degenerative disc. disease, hyperreflexia and now maybe a thyroid problem. I have gained 25lbs in a month!?!? I fear I'm becoming a "SHUT-IN". Living with all of these illnesses, well, I live with chronic pain, I am no longer able to run, I am no longer able to hold down a job.

I no longer want to take a chance on dating again, I don't believe I can handle being rejected again. My emotional physic can't take the heartbreak. Truthfully at this point in my life, I do good to take care of me and my two pups. I probally wouldn't be able to handle a relationship if I was lucky enough to find a man that would want to take ME with all of my medical issues. I believe I've missed that window of finding a partner. So now it is I with the COMMITMENT ISSUES...........LOST!

ALWAYS PICKING THE WRONG MEN

Where did I leave off, oh yes, working as an optician apprentice, taking care of  three children, taking care of a home, taking care of the yard work, ALONE. I would try dating, always meeting them away from the house, I didn't want to confuse the kids by bringing every man that I had a date with to the house. There were two men that they did meet, the ones that I thought might go somewhere, but of course they were train wrecks waiting to happen!

The first gentleman that was truly a good man and still is a good man, was the ex-husband of the woman my sons father was in love with and eventually married. I know, no one has to say it, what was I thinking. I mean this woman is the devil incarnate and that is being nice! We got along great he and I but there was always this evil scheming woman causing problems. So that ended quickly.

The next gentleman was funny, charming, good looking, great with my children, a fireman, had a side job building decks, he also had a side job driving for a patient care company, a boat, drove a nice truck. Seemed to have it all. He wanted a relationship same as me, so what could be the problem right? Well he moved in rather fast, taught my middle daughter how to do some cooking, got involved in my sons wrestling program in fact he started running it. He was awesome....WRONG!!  The first thing my mother asked him was did he chase women with that ambulance???!!  If that didn't give me a red flag it should have. My late sister told me he was evil too?!?! WHY IN THE HECK COULDN'T I SEE THAT?  We lived together for three years, seemed pretty normal, had some ups and downs like most couples do. But boy was I blind.........
I found out the hard way what he was really about. Seems he had been married before and also had another relationship going on at the same time. Well guess what, yes you are correct he did the same thing to me, lying, cheating, SOB! The hardest thing for me about this whole situation was that I found out about who she was and how involved they were the day WE buried my sister, I was already in shock because of her suicide, we had just buried her that day and my son who was very young had a wrestling meet. So I took him, figured I would try to keep things as normal as possible, since he and I were over. Well after the meet, I saw her walking out of the gym, another odd thing was all of the wrestlers and parents were staying? Next thing I new all of the boys were lining up as if they were going to take a picture including my son and the coaches, I joined the other parents thinking I was about to take a photo but to my shock, I hear all of the boys at once asking if I would MARRY the coach, he comes sliding around on his knees, pops open this box with an engagement ring in it and puts it on my finger, I dropped my video camera (still recording, which someone picked up to catch it ALL on tape). I couldn't say anything, everyone was congratulating us, my son was hugging my neck. I felt like I had left my body and was watching from above!! Strangest feeling, at that point it was all I could do to keep it together. I gathered our things and WE headed out of the gym. I was engaged to this CRAZY and I'm talking CERTIFIBLE man. I gave him the ring back the next day!! I was stalked by him for 8 yrs, had a protective order for 2 of those years!! Boy do I know how to pick them.

I think at this point in my life is when I knew something was wrong, I started seeing a counselor, I wanted to know why I kept picking the wrong men, why did I attract them?? Why was I so trusting and how did I not know that he was living with and engaged to another woman??  I still don't have the answers that I seek.

FINDING YOURSELF AFTER DIVORCE

Well, after my divorce, I wasn't employed so I did in home daycare until I could find a job. That didn't last long because a luck would have it I got a job as a records release clerk at one of the local clinics, I thought that would be a great opportunity, room for advancement, "right", well the job I was hired to do was outsourced! So I was demoted to file clerk which included a pay cut!! I made more money doing daycare. My "ego" or "temper" got the best of me one day and I had a conversation with my boss and told her to take her job and shove it!! Felt really good to be able to do that at least once in my working days. Not the smartest way to handle it, I'll admit but it did feel good!

 I quickly found that I had missed out on the night life. Being that I was pregnant at 21 with my second child. Man did I make up time, out on the weekends when I didn't have my children, I actually went out on Tuesdays also, met a group of friends at a regular watering hole and now that I think about it they were all guys, but they were some of my best friends, never dated any of them, just drank with them. Still friends with two of them to this day.

 I made my way to a bar one night, one seat left up at the bar, no tables available, (the place was a hot spot for many years) so I took it. Little did I know that sitting next to me was another newly divorced lady. We hit it off immediately, have been great friends ever since. Now behind the bar was the man that after "dating" would become the father of my son. No we didn't marry, he didn't want anything to do with me! Come to find out he was seeing a married woman that lived in another state and was in love with her. Seeing a pattern yet?

There where many nights in between the first night I walked into that bar and when I got pregnant with my son. I met a lot of good, fun, crazy people, made some great memories that I will never forget. Wasted a lot of time on a man that didn't want me too!

I also met the person who gave me my next job opportunity. She worked for a private practice Optical Co. She talked to the owner and we set up the interview and low and behold I got the job!! I was and Optician in training, pay wasn't bad, had great benefits, and off on weekends. I was on top of the world, seemed like I had it all. Beautiful daughters, new job, great new friends. I was able to keep the same roof over my daughters heads!! Well a year passed, I was learning more and more about optical manufacturing and boom, surprise, I was expecting a baby, (my son). Now I had three children, a awesome job, awesome co-workers, great friends. I got into running road races (5k's, 10k's 12k's) life was good just not great. My son's father decided he wanted to be in his life when I was 8 months along. He did take his fathers last name and child support was paid, but he might as well been a ghost, you see the father was an alcoholic, so even though he was there.....he wasn't. He ended up marrying the woman he was in love with. Once again I was rejected and alone!?!?  Wow, did that marriage turn out badly! (But that is his story to tell).

At this point, I am living life, but am I, it felt like I was just existing.

Thanks

P.S.   I am interested in feed back so if you want to comment, please feel free.