I've been writing about my past up until now. Things that I think have made me feel like I've been lost, alone, unwanted and unappreciated. I've been learning a lot these past few months, through inpatient and outpatient extensive therapy. Through the material they have provided me and the books they have recommended. I feel it has been most helpful. I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on and understanding my emotions. I still feel like I don't really know who I am as a person and that I don't have much of a personality, I guess that means I'm insecure and don't have much confidence in myself. BREAKTHROUGH------realization about some issues I need to confront. I call that making progress. (smiling).
Another thing that I think I've come to realize is that sometimes, not always and not most of the time, just sometimes-----I tend to drink too much, I think it is connected with the fear of rejection, from friends and men. I think that I do it when I really like a man and I want to relax, because I get nervous also when I'm around friends because I've always been a loaner and I get nervous about fitting in. Wow, this is the first time I've really thought about it and talked about it. It is weird because I suddenly feel like I am standing taller, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a good thing. (smiling).
Seems today I have taken the first step towards finding out who I am as a person, that feels really good. I need to do some more soul searching and think about what else I need to confront!
Self medicating has always been a favorite of mine when feelings I did not want to feel came up. It is hard to sit there feeling awful and JUST BE. I worked extensively with a phenomenal therapist on this one before I got sick. She kept telling me over and over again "feel your feelings!" Keep up the good work, you will be amazed at what you will learn about yourself!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Leah