ON MY OWN

          I'm reading a book called "The Art of Being a Woman Alone". It has made me realize the the majority of my adult life I have been alone. Weather it was physically or emotionally, I have been alone. You see, even when I was married for a short time (7yrs right out of high school), I was alone in that marriage, emotionally and physically detached. It has been that way for me ever since. I have walls up that I can't seem to bring down, all though they have come partially down at times. Which allowed me to fall into another disastrous relationship and another and another. I no longer date.
         I have also felt alone at times with some of my closest friends. For an example myself ( a worker) and three of my friends ( financial managers) went to lunch one day, I couldn't have felt more alone and excluded, the conversation was all about the (financial market) which I new nothing about, so I was left totally out of the conversation the entire lunch. I just sat and ate while they told stories about their workplaces. It wasn't intentional but none the less, I was left out and feeling alone. The next lunch date I declined.
         I do everything alone, right now I'm sitting here writing alone. I shop alone, walk alone, drink alone, even when I do accept an invitation (usually to a family function) I sit alone, I feel some how detached.
         The trick according to this book I am reading is to accept the fact that it is "OKAY" to be a woman alone. This is a hard one for me. I crave the companionship of a man, someone to share my life with, cuddle with, dine with, make love with. I am secure in my financial world, which I know frightens some men off. But I am insecure as a woman, after so many failed relationships, I am left with walls higher than myself. This too frightens men off.
         I know in my head that it's not the end of the world to be alone, but in my heart it feels like it. There is always this yearning, a dull ache that just never seems to go away. Somewhere out there I truly believe that there is a middle ground that I will find. When I do, I'll find the hand that fits perfectly with mine.