"Did you know that the people that seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones that need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are "I love you" - "I'm sorry ''-and "Help me"?
I used to be a very strong person, I worked very hard at every job I’ve had. I raised my family the best that I could with what I had. I dealt with a lot of crap from their fathers and their NEW WIVES for many, many years. I worked hard to keep my home, yard and vehicle in good shape. I may not have gone to church but I have prayed all my life. I have helped my children financially when I didn't have it to give, I have helped others when I was hurting, when I would have rather been lying down. I have been kind to strangers. I have donated to charities instead of selling (even though money is very tight) simply to pay it forward because I have received. Yet I get shit on all of the time, I get blamed for things that I had nothing to do with. I get shut out of conversations when invited to lunch with "friends" because they are all corporate and I am not, so basically I am ignored. I am holding on to so many things from the past and I don’t know why. I do not have thick skin, I get my feelings hurt all the time, also because I am not wanted by anyone, I don’t understand why I can’t make a relationship work, I am good enough to “play house with” but not good enough to marry, so I break it off with them so I am in control of my heart, it doesn’t work (IT STILL HURTS) it is just easier to be alone, but I am very lonely. I am told that I "sulk" (by my oldest daughter) when in fact I am in pain and worried and depressed. And I still have to put up with my son's father's shit, even though my son is 23, telling me that I am the problem when it comes to my son, he has no clue since he is still not around. This coming from a man who was a drunk for the first 13yrs of my son's life, then he gets divorced, looses his home, looses his job and gets two DUI's all while trying to take me to court for custody.....DUH!! ( More, Stress and Money spent, that I didn't have).
I have two daughters, the oldest has said she is done with me! Too much drama….?? The other is too busy to spend time with me! ( She used to send me pictures, via phone). This was the only way I would know my grandchildren. They NEVER bring them by to visit. They should be ashamed of themselves, If they stopped and thought about it, they are (repeating portions of MY life NOW) one day they WILL NEED ME and it will be too late because I won’t be here. I have had a very hard time raising my children, ALONE, they seemed to know more than MOM as teenagers and I have gotten the brunt of it all. My son has used drugs and alcohol since he was 15 and although he is clean now, we are dealing with a mental illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia). This has been the hardest thing to accept, knowing your child will never lead a normal life again.
I don't deserve to be treated this way, I have been a good loving mother. I am a good person. I have turned bitter because "I have been treated badly for so long"! I cry a lot. I am tired of constantly trying to beg for my daughters to love me. I am tired of being rejected by men. I am tired of "fake" friends and I'm NOT going to take it anymore. I will get in any ones face that gets in mine to defend myself. I don’t leave my home anymore, too much pain both emotionally and physically. I’ve put my walls up again and I don’t know how to let go of the bitterness and let the walls come down again.
I can not help the fact that life has dealt me this hand and I'm not sure how it will turn out, only GOD knows that. But I do have this hand to play and unfortunately it is a bad deal. I have several physical illnesses, I don’t sleep (Insomnia) and I am physically in pain every day, (Fibromyalgia & Arthritis, Anxiety disorder, Spinal Disorders, etc.). I know what I need to do for it, but I just don't have the strength to get up every day, as much as I want to. What I DON'T need is a lecture every day about it. I am an emotional mess already, I am doing the best I can, while trying to deal with all of this STRESS!
I have tried to be positive and worked hard to start an at home business one that I wish I would have started sooner, maybe taken some classes also. But I didn't and I am doing the best I can with what I have. It hasn't been easy to learn everything that it takes to start and run a business, but I am proud of what I have accomplished.
I would Love to be a happy person again and get out and enjoy life! Maybe someday.
"I love you, I’m sorry, Help me".
Cindy/Mom 11/28/2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEIGHBORS AND NEIGHBORS WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS
First a lesson in definitions:
Friend~~1) person who knows and likes another. 2) person who favors and supports. 3) person who belongs to the same side or group.
Friendship~~ 1) state of being friends. 2) a liking between friends. 3) friendly feeling or behavior.
Neighbor~~ 1) one who lives near another. 2) person or thing that is near another. 3) live or be near. 4) a fellow human being. 5) be friendly (with)
Neighborly~~ 1) kind ; friendly; sociable.
These definitions make me ponder my situation. I am left wondering just where I fit in and with whom. Once upon a time I lived in a neighborhood where pretty much EVERYONE kept to themselves, with the exception of the occasional hello. Then about a year and a half ago, myself, the neighbors across the street from me and the ones next to them all started hanging out, eating and drinking and socializing with each other. And as I am not proud of the fact, because I include myself, but other neighbors were talked about and singled out about public family issues. All five of us were guilty of the gossip which caused DRAMA for this I deeply regret my actions. Soon the dynamics of the neighborhood were forever changed, this to I regret. Many misunderstandings have taken place. Many hurtful things have been said and done. I personally am ashamed of the way WE adults have handled ourselves, because WE have ALL set bad examples for all of the children in our neighborhood.
I am ill a lot I try to get out and visit when others are out, truthfully I need adult conversations. Yesterday, I got out to borrow a couple of Tylenol from my neighbor who was out and ended up having a very nice visit and found out that we are really not all that different. To her I am grateful (she knows who she is) because I really needed the chat we got to have.
My dilemma is that I can hear when my neighbors get together, they have dinners together and gather to visit, make cakes for each others birthdays and well, simply put, I am left out, not invited, I try not to let it brother me but I can't help it, it does. :(
Once again I'm thrown back to high school where I always felt like a loaner. So even though I try to have a Friendship and be Neighborly, I surrender to the fact that I am simply a NEIGHBOR.
Friend~~1) person who knows and likes another. 2) person who favors and supports. 3) person who belongs to the same side or group.
Friendship~~ 1) state of being friends. 2) a liking between friends. 3) friendly feeling or behavior.
Neighbor~~ 1) one who lives near another. 2) person or thing that is near another. 3) live or be near. 4) a fellow human being. 5) be friendly (with)
Neighborly~~ 1) kind ; friendly; sociable.
These definitions make me ponder my situation. I am left wondering just where I fit in and with whom. Once upon a time I lived in a neighborhood where pretty much EVERYONE kept to themselves, with the exception of the occasional hello. Then about a year and a half ago, myself, the neighbors across the street from me and the ones next to them all started hanging out, eating and drinking and socializing with each other. And as I am not proud of the fact, because I include myself, but other neighbors were talked about and singled out about public family issues. All five of us were guilty of the gossip which caused DRAMA for this I deeply regret my actions. Soon the dynamics of the neighborhood were forever changed, this to I regret. Many misunderstandings have taken place. Many hurtful things have been said and done. I personally am ashamed of the way WE adults have handled ourselves, because WE have ALL set bad examples for all of the children in our neighborhood.
I am ill a lot I try to get out and visit when others are out, truthfully I need adult conversations. Yesterday, I got out to borrow a couple of Tylenol from my neighbor who was out and ended up having a very nice visit and found out that we are really not all that different. To her I am grateful (she knows who she is) because I really needed the chat we got to have.
My dilemma is that I can hear when my neighbors get together, they have dinners together and gather to visit, make cakes for each others birthdays and well, simply put, I am left out, not invited, I try not to let it brother me but I can't help it, it does. :(
Once again I'm thrown back to high school where I always felt like a loaner. So even though I try to have a Friendship and be Neighborly, I surrender to the fact that I am simply a NEIGHBOR.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AND IT ENDED WITH THE POLICE BEING CALLED!
I walked across to a neighbors to apologize for something that happened last October. Earlier in the evening I opened my door and told her Happy Easter and she responded with the same. I asked if they had gotten a new car and she said no that her husband had rented it for the weekend. I noticed that they had guest on their porch so I decided to keep to myself. Later it was just her, so I went over to offer an apology. She was eating something, I asked her if they had been at the other neighbors and she told me no they had been at her mothers all day. I told her that one of the neighbors was kind enough to bring me two plates full of food from the home where the Easter gathering was held. I sent thank yous to both of them. I asked if I could talk to her and she said no get off of my property I said fine I would stand on the public sidwalk, but she went inside her home, she came back out with the phone and had called the police, I promptly went back to my home. She was irate to say the least, ranting and raving at the top of her lungs, brought several neighbors out of their homes. I just kept saying that all I was trying to do was apologize. She came from two yards away onto my stup and was nose to nose with me yelling in my face, I put out my hand which was on her chest and told her to get off of my property, she started screaming at me hit my hand away and was in my face again, so I grabbed her by the hair and forced her to the ground and told her to let go of me, she had my cane between us and a hold of my jacket and wouldn't let go. The neighbor came down and put her in a bear hug and told me to let go, I said that I didn't have a hold of her, that she was the one that wouldn't let go of me! First there was one neighbor trying to calm her down, again she was irate! They wanted to know where her husband was and I told them he was down the street. Then there were three neighbors trying to calm her down. Next thing I knew was her husband was pounding on my porch, yelling at me that he was going to kill me, I told him really, he said I'm going to kill you bitch. So I in turn called the police for fear of my life. I went back onto my enclosed porch because a second police car was here and I knew that I needed to talk to them. Now they want to prosecute me for defending myself! What is this world comming to when you can't even apologize to someone. I believe it is a sad sad place that they must be in, to hate that much.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM BLOGGING/NEEDED TO GET A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK!
My life has been filled with ups and downs. I have finally realized that things could be a lot worse than I think they have been. Besides the Emotional and Physical Illnesses that keep me on Disability, I am truly blessed, you see I am surrounded by people that love me very much. From family to new friends to old friends to high school friends. My new philosophy in life is that I am "WORSE THAN SOME, BUT BETTER THAN MOST". So today is the beginning of my new life..... I will no longer let the small stuff hold me back, I will no longer be dragged into others DRAMA! I will start looking at the beauty all around me that the good LORD has put on this earth for us to enjoy. The power of positive thinking is indeed a very powerful thing and I intend to use it to the fullest. I urge each and everyone of you to do the same! I also believe that the small things that each of us can do to protect our earth, is huge when we ALL make an effort. I'm not just talking about making it beautiful to the eyes but also to the ears. We can do so much by just doing little things like smiling at someone or opening a door, saying please and thank you. Things that I grew up knowing as manners, which our society today has seemed to have forgotten. I like the "PAY IT FORWARD" theory, in fact I believe in it, I have seen it work.
I hope you all have a Blessed day filled with Joy!
I hope you all have a Blessed day filled with Joy!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I've changed the title of my blog to / LIVING LIFE!!
This is going to be a short posting today because I have some living to do!! I have finally realized and made the decision to LIVE LIFE focusing on the moment in front of me instead of the past or the things that I have NO CONTROL over!
God has blessed each and every one of us (FREE WILL) and it is my intention to use that free will to look at and enjoy all of natures beauty and take full advantage of it. On the days that I AM lucky enough to get out of bed, I'm going to live the day to the fullest. Go to water workouts, then grab my camera and capture some of that beauty. On days my body just won't corporate, I will use the time to journal about the about some of the beauty I was able to catch!!
I encourage each and everyone of you to get into the positive mindset, and LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!
Have a great day and remember stay "COOL"!
God has blessed each and every one of us (FREE WILL) and it is my intention to use that free will to look at and enjoy all of natures beauty and take full advantage of it. On the days that I AM lucky enough to get out of bed, I'm going to live the day to the fullest. Go to water workouts, then grab my camera and capture some of that beauty. On days my body just won't corporate, I will use the time to journal about the about some of the beauty I was able to catch!!
I encourage each and everyone of you to get into the positive mindset, and LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!
Have a great day and remember stay "COOL"!
Monday, February 28, 2011
REALIZING YOU SHOULD LIVE WITH NO REGRETS AND THE FREEDOM IT BRINGS
I am sitting here tonight, listening to a lot of lyrics from different artist. A lot of whom have touched places in my heart as I am sure has happened to most of you. If I could sit down and put them in chronological order as to what was happening in my life at the time, they could tell my life's story. One artist in particular made me realize that dwelling on the past, well, he said it best......"There is no such thing as what might have been, that's a waste of time, will just drive you out of your mind" ~ Tim McGraw~ Red Rag Top~ I have loved that song for a very long time and just tonight, I realize why. It has made me realize that my choices in life, starting back when I was 17, was in fact the right choice, I decided to have my daughter. Although, some of the decisions that were made at the time were out of my hands, I knew that keeping her was the one thing that I could control, she was in me and no one could change that but me. She has brought me so much feeling it is hard to put into words. She has made me feel unconditional love as a infant, and toddler, feel frustration in her single digit ages, aggravation as a teenager (is there any parent who hasn't felt that..lol). But most of all the satisfaction of watching her bloom into a beautiful woman and mother of three!! She has brought me full circle, with a lot of life and lessons learned in between. But most importantly, she has made me feel like I did a good job raising her, the values and determination she has towards her own children verify that I had a small part in her mothering skills, be it the good times or some of the trials we went through. I watch her with her own children and see the confidence she has instilled in them, the talent she has helped emerge in them, the personalities that she has let each of them develop. It is because of who she has become, I am bursting with pride to know that I had a some influence in the woman and mother she has become.
I dedicate this post to my oldest daughter, I love you and am so proud of whom you have become!!
I dedicate this post to my oldest daughter, I love you and am so proud of whom you have become!!
Monday, February 21, 2011
THE HARDEST THING A MOTHER HAS TO DO IS LET ONE OF HER CHILDREN LEARN A LESSON THE HARD WAY!
My son carelessly received his second DUI this past Saturday!! I am heart broken. I decided to let him spend the night in jail. He was not appreciative of my help to pick him up after his arraignment. He has no regard for his own life, much less others that he endangers when he is driving under the influence. He is in the group of young adults that for some reason think they deserve what WE have worked most of our lives to attain. He also suffers with depression, ADD, and possibly the onset of Schizophrenia!?!?! I am at my wits end, I am on disability for my own emotional and physical issues, I can no longer handle my sons disregard for others whom are trying to help him. He is rude and disrespectful not only to me but his grandparents! I feel like a failure as a parent to him, even though HE wore designer cloths, did all of the travel sports while in school, things I felt like I was doing to keep him out of this type of behavior. I guess you just can't predict how your children's lives will turn out, no matter how much you try to guide or encourage them to take the path that we feel would benefit them the most.
Right now I feel like he is playing Russian Roulette with his life!! Your call is as good as mine at this point!!
Anyone who has good advise as to how to help him I am interested in your opinion. PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND IF YOU JUST WANT TO BE A BLOW HARD, Because I really don't need bullshit right now.
Right now I feel like he is playing Russian Roulette with his life!! Your call is as good as mine at this point!!
Anyone who has good advise as to how to help him I am interested in your opinion. PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND IF YOU JUST WANT TO BE A BLOW HARD, Because I really don't need bullshit right now.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I'M BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE
I have a son that is 22 and still wants to act like he is 16, wants no responsibilities, but all of the perks of being an adult!! I don't know what it is about this generation but they seem to think that they are entitled to everything WE have worked our asses off for the past 30 years???? I just don't get it!!! I think that things have gotten way out of control as far a parenting is concerned. You can't discipline your children when they are young so when they get older they think they can control you!!! The system is messed up.........all of the "do gooders" have made the world a much harder place to live.......the "tweens and 20 somethings" think they "deserve to have things on a silver platter"!! Well I'm here to tell you that's not going to happen, not in my world anyway. My 22 year old is going to have to learn the hard way, and it's for his own good!! As a mother, this is going to be a very hard thing I'm going to have to do. My life has been a constant battle with all of my children, but especially my son, I have been told by many therapist that he is going to have to hit bottom. I am afraid that it is just around the corner. This makes me very sad but on the other hand I hope it shocks him into reality because I'm starting to remember what it means to feel alive again!!
I am starting to put my life back together, I still have a lot of bridges to cross but I feel like I am finally on my way. With the help of really good friends I am realizing that for me it is best to live life in the present, not in the past and to not try to project what the future will bring.
Wish me luck, I'm going to be 50 and FABULOUS on Thursday Feburary 17th!!
I am starting to put my life back together, I still have a lot of bridges to cross but I feel like I am finally on my way. With the help of really good friends I am realizing that for me it is best to live life in the present, not in the past and to not try to project what the future will bring.
Wish me luck, I'm going to be 50 and FABULOUS on Thursday Feburary 17th!!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
ON MY OWN
I'm reading a book called "The Art of Being a Woman Alone". It has made me realize the the majority of my adult life I have been alone. Weather it was physically or emotionally, I have been alone. You see, even when I was married for a short time (7yrs right out of high school), I was alone in that marriage, emotionally and physically detached. It has been that way for me ever since. I have walls up that I can't seem to bring down, all though they have come partially down at times. Which allowed me to fall into another disastrous relationship and another and another. I no longer date.
I have also felt alone at times with some of my closest friends. For an example myself ( a worker) and three of my friends ( financial managers) went to lunch one day, I couldn't have felt more alone and excluded, the conversation was all about the (financial market) which I new nothing about, so I was left totally out of the conversation the entire lunch. I just sat and ate while they told stories about their workplaces. It wasn't intentional but none the less, I was left out and feeling alone. The next lunch date I declined.
I do everything alone, right now I'm sitting here writing alone. I shop alone, walk alone, drink alone, even when I do accept an invitation (usually to a family function) I sit alone, I feel some how detached.
The trick according to this book I am reading is to accept the fact that it is "OKAY" to be a woman alone. This is a hard one for me. I crave the companionship of a man, someone to share my life with, cuddle with, dine with, make love with. I am secure in my financial world, which I know frightens some men off. But I am insecure as a woman, after so many failed relationships, I am left with walls higher than myself. This too frightens men off.
I know in my head that it's not the end of the world to be alone, but in my heart it feels like it. There is always this yearning, a dull ache that just never seems to go away. Somewhere out there I truly believe that there is a middle ground that I will find. When I do, I'll find the hand that fits perfectly with mine.
I have also felt alone at times with some of my closest friends. For an example myself ( a worker) and three of my friends ( financial managers) went to lunch one day, I couldn't have felt more alone and excluded, the conversation was all about the (financial market) which I new nothing about, so I was left totally out of the conversation the entire lunch. I just sat and ate while they told stories about their workplaces. It wasn't intentional but none the less, I was left out and feeling alone. The next lunch date I declined.
I do everything alone, right now I'm sitting here writing alone. I shop alone, walk alone, drink alone, even when I do accept an invitation (usually to a family function) I sit alone, I feel some how detached.
The trick according to this book I am reading is to accept the fact that it is "OKAY" to be a woman alone. This is a hard one for me. I crave the companionship of a man, someone to share my life with, cuddle with, dine with, make love with. I am secure in my financial world, which I know frightens some men off. But I am insecure as a woman, after so many failed relationships, I am left with walls higher than myself. This too frightens men off.
I know in my head that it's not the end of the world to be alone, but in my heart it feels like it. There is always this yearning, a dull ache that just never seems to go away. Somewhere out there I truly believe that there is a middle ground that I will find. When I do, I'll find the hand that fits perfectly with mine.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
THE NEW MODIFIED VERSION OF ME!!!
I am a woman getting ready to turn 50 with a debilitating illness. So far I have let it beat me and that's just not working for me!! I have gained a lot of weight in a short time and I don't know if it's the meds or menopause. I rarely leave my home, usually it's only to go to the Doctor or make a grocery run, which I dread.....because I painfully pay for it the next day. I have a hard time being around a lot of people without being medicated or having a couple of drinks first, (anxiety issues) and that's just not working for me either. I used to get out and go dancing all the time, oh how I miss that!! I have become undependable, I can't make plans because I never know how if I'm going to hurt or not. I feel like I have become a shut-in......
Somehow, I've got to get back to the old me!! At least a modified version of the old me because I'm tired of just existing......I WANT to be dependable, I DON'T want to become a shut-in. I WANT to start living again! So here I am.......
The new modified version of me, well, I love the outdoors, taking walks, photography as a hobby, I'm good at decorating, I am a self taught florist, I love animals, I enjoy reading, I watch movies of all types, I love candle light evenings and great music, (STILL LOVE DANCING, IT WILL JUST HAVE TO BE SLOW DANCING). I'm a romantic at heart and would love to meet the man of my dreams, who will be able to accept me as I am now because, I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell it like it is! I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle, but I love and give with all my heart. So people if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!!!
Can you handle the new modified version of me??
Somehow, I've got to get back to the old me!! At least a modified version of the old me because I'm tired of just existing......I WANT to be dependable, I DON'T want to become a shut-in. I WANT to start living again! So here I am.......
The new modified version of me, well, I love the outdoors, taking walks, photography as a hobby, I'm good at decorating, I am a self taught florist, I love animals, I enjoy reading, I watch movies of all types, I love candle light evenings and great music, (STILL LOVE DANCING, IT WILL JUST HAVE TO BE SLOW DANCING). I'm a romantic at heart and would love to meet the man of my dreams, who will be able to accept me as I am now because, I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell it like it is! I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle, but I love and give with all my heart. So people if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!!!
Can you handle the new modified version of me??
Friday, January 14, 2011
IDENTITY CRISIS
I started out 20 yrs ago (then 30) still wondering what I was going to be when I grew up.....lol! Then along came an opportunity for me to learn the skills of becoming an Optician! I thought this is great because I'm a hands on learner and that is exactly what this job was going to be. (I never was good at learning from books.) So I started May 6Th 1987, I learned every detail of making eyeglasses from start to finish. It was very satisfying to watch that little girl or boy put on that pair of glasses, that I had made, and look around the room and actually see things clearly for the first time in their lives, WOW! So day in and day out I was an "Optician". I would get caught up in the lab and wander out to the front office where it was always a revolving door of people coming in and out picking up or picking out a pair of new glasses. So I slowly learned the In's and outs of the front office as well. The more I learned the more valuable I became and the more money I earned. Then the opportunity presented itself for me to become the Lab Manager, this meant more money and it would be my turn to train someone to do the part of the job I used to do. Now I was the teacher, you see in Optical when you make a pair of glasses you have to be very precise, everything HAS to be perfect. (I guess this is where my OCD started to develop).
After 16yrs working at a private practice office, an opportunity came about for me to make a move to a Wholesale lab, more money, more benefits, better hours, I mean what was there to think about, right, well I left out the part about MORE STRESS, working under managers, not to mention UPPER MANAGEMENT!!! What I thought was going to be a great career move turned out to be the catalyst that put me on the road to where I am today.
Today I am on disability, I suffer from Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Insomnia, Hyperreflexia, Degenerative Disc. Disorder, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I live in pain everyday. Some days are better some are worse, but everyday there is some degree of pain.
I am no longer an Optician, I tried going back to work at the same private practice office and I just couldn't do it. I am no longer a runner. I am no longer a cyclist. I can no longer handle being in loud crowded places without being medicated. I am no longer the grandmother I would like to be, I just get too stressed out. My house is no longer cleaned like I wish it was. I am no longer able to take care of my yard like I used to. I no longer accept invitations to go out with friends, it is a HUGE effort just to shower and get ready to go out. Now the only time I go out is for Dr. appointments, or grocery runs (and I painfully pay for that the next day). My home has become my refuge. My computer and cell phone are my lifeline to the outside world. I am no longer the person that I used to be. The days of going out, telling jokes, laughing, feeling like I belonged are long gone.
Today, I feel like I no longer know who I am, I don't recognise the person in the mirror. I feel out of place when I do make it to a function even if it is a family one. I feel unappreciated, unwanted and LOST.
After 16yrs working at a private practice office, an opportunity came about for me to make a move to a Wholesale lab, more money, more benefits, better hours, I mean what was there to think about, right, well I left out the part about MORE STRESS, working under managers, not to mention UPPER MANAGEMENT!!! What I thought was going to be a great career move turned out to be the catalyst that put me on the road to where I am today.
Today I am on disability, I suffer from Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Insomnia, Hyperreflexia, Degenerative Disc. Disorder, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I live in pain everyday. Some days are better some are worse, but everyday there is some degree of pain.
I am no longer an Optician, I tried going back to work at the same private practice office and I just couldn't do it. I am no longer a runner. I am no longer a cyclist. I can no longer handle being in loud crowded places without being medicated. I am no longer the grandmother I would like to be, I just get too stressed out. My house is no longer cleaned like I wish it was. I am no longer able to take care of my yard like I used to. I no longer accept invitations to go out with friends, it is a HUGE effort just to shower and get ready to go out. Now the only time I go out is for Dr. appointments, or grocery runs (and I painfully pay for that the next day). My home has become my refuge. My computer and cell phone are my lifeline to the outside world. I am no longer the person that I used to be. The days of going out, telling jokes, laughing, feeling like I belonged are long gone.
Today, I feel like I no longer know who I am, I don't recognise the person in the mirror. I feel out of place when I do make it to a function even if it is a family one. I feel unappreciated, unwanted and LOST.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
WEARING ALL OF THE HATS/ STILL ALONE
When you are single, a parent, sole nurturer, sole provider, weather you like it or not, you get the brunt of all the good, the bad and the ugly! You work your tail off at your job, you work your tail off at home, you work your tail off to give your children everything they need and some how you fail miserably at least in your children's eyes. You see society has made next to impossible to be a single parent and survive it without your children resenting you. In their eyes you work too much and aren't around to go to their events they are in. You can't afford to pay for most of the events that they want to be in, and you sure as hell can't afford the limousine to take them to the "Middle School" dance?!?!?!? They are always mad at you because you can't give them enough because you have a mountain of bills to pay, your gone all of the time because you are either working or taking some "ME TIME" god forbid! They hate you and love their father's, yet you are the one doing everything for them.
It isn't until they are grown and have children of their own that they figure it out. They finally see the light that you did in fact do the best that you could and they did have most of what they needed or wanted growing up. That you did teach them valuable lessons concerning, how to run a household, how to be to two places at one time, how to be the very best parent you are capable of being within the limits that you are given.
Then you sit back and watch them trying to do everything you did, and the phone rings, "mom can you watch the kids we want to go out for the evening"? And again you are thrown back into the ring of hats. You sacrifice your night out in order to stay home so they can go out. But you do so because their lives are so busy that if you say no you never get to see your grandchildren, much less your own children. You see at this point in their lives they are TOO BUSY to stop by and visit. So you take what you can get, you slowly loose your own identity, a single parent looking for another single parent to have as a partner, instead you become a single grandmother. And please don't get me wrong here, I dearly love my grandchildren, but I would dearly love to have a partner to share my life with. I will be "50" this year and am still alone, except for my pups. And at this point in my life it feels like I've been handed a sentence of being single forever, STILL LOST AND ALONE.
It isn't until they are grown and have children of their own that they figure it out. They finally see the light that you did in fact do the best that you could and they did have most of what they needed or wanted growing up. That you did teach them valuable lessons concerning, how to run a household, how to be to two places at one time, how to be the very best parent you are capable of being within the limits that you are given.
Then you sit back and watch them trying to do everything you did, and the phone rings, "mom can you watch the kids we want to go out for the evening"? And again you are thrown back into the ring of hats. You sacrifice your night out in order to stay home so they can go out. But you do so because their lives are so busy that if you say no you never get to see your grandchildren, much less your own children. You see at this point in their lives they are TOO BUSY to stop by and visit. So you take what you can get, you slowly loose your own identity, a single parent looking for another single parent to have as a partner, instead you become a single grandmother. And please don't get me wrong here, I dearly love my grandchildren, but I would dearly love to have a partner to share my life with. I will be "50" this year and am still alone, except for my pups. And at this point in my life it feels like I've been handed a sentence of being single forever, STILL LOST AND ALONE.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
HOW DOES ONE FIGURE OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE?
I've been writing about my past up until now. Things that I think have made me feel like I've been lost, alone, unwanted and unappreciated. I've been learning a lot these past few months, through inpatient and outpatient extensive therapy. Through the material they have provided me and the books they have recommended. I feel it has been most helpful. I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on and understanding my emotions. I still feel like I don't really know who I am as a person and that I don't have much of a personality, I guess that means I'm insecure and don't have much confidence in myself. BREAKTHROUGH------realization about some issues I need to confront. I call that making progress. (smiling).
Another thing that I think I've come to realize is that sometimes, not always and not most of the time, just sometimes-----I tend to drink too much, I think it is connected with the fear of rejection, from friends and men. I think that I do it when I really like a man and I want to relax, because I get nervous also when I'm around friends because I've always been a loaner and I get nervous about fitting in. Wow, this is the first time I've really thought about it and talked about it. It is weird because I suddenly feel like I am standing taller, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a good thing. (smiling).
Seems today I have taken the first step towards finding out who I am as a person, that feels really good. I need to do some more soul searching and think about what else I need to confront!
Another thing that I think I've come to realize is that sometimes, not always and not most of the time, just sometimes-----I tend to drink too much, I think it is connected with the fear of rejection, from friends and men. I think that I do it when I really like a man and I want to relax, because I get nervous also when I'm around friends because I've always been a loaner and I get nervous about fitting in. Wow, this is the first time I've really thought about it and talked about it. It is weird because I suddenly feel like I am standing taller, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a good thing. (smiling).
Seems today I have taken the first step towards finding out who I am as a person, that feels really good. I need to do some more soul searching and think about what else I need to confront!
Friday, January 7, 2011
THE REBOUND GIRL / GUYS WITH COMMITMENT ISSUES
After my last relationship with the "Psycho" I took a break from dating. I concentrated on myself, started running and also got some counseling. I needed to know why I had so many failed relationships. I wish I could have learned more but unfortunately counseling did little to help.
I started casually dating, dinner and drinks, nothing serious. But then things changed and I would meet someone who seemed to want a relationship, they would call all the time, we would make plans to go places, meet with other couples but then things would come to a screeching HALT. They had just come out of a bad relationship and was just wanting a casual thing!! Total heartbreak for me, you see, I was looking for a committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. But that was not to be, I was the official REBOUND girl!! This not only happened once but several times to me, I couldn't catch a break.
I still to this day do not understand, I let my walls down, let men get close but still no one wants a relationship with me. I wonder, maybe I have been alone so long that I don't know how to be a partner, maybe I don't know how to compromise, maybe I'm so damaged that I just think I'm letting my walls down. All I know is that I am very confused about finding someone to share my life with. I have friends that are newly divorced and already have a steady relationship.
What is wrong with me?? I'm attractive, smart, can carry on a conversation, have security, my own home and car. I keep a clean home, and appearance. My children are grown, and have children of their own. So no baggage with Ex's. What else are men looking for that I don't have??
In June of 2006 I started having some medical issues. I have become depressed, stressed, have anxiety attacks, insomnia. Jan 2007 brought pneumonia, and a hysterectomy, June 2007 brought a cervical fusion C 5,6,7 a titanium rod and 3 screws, October 2007, a broken right foot. From there things went further downhill, I could no longer run (to painful). I developed, fibromyalgia, arthritis, spinal stenosis, degenerative disc. disease, hyperreflexia and now maybe a thyroid problem. I have gained 25lbs in a month!?!? I fear I'm becoming a "SHUT-IN". Living with all of these illnesses, well, I live with chronic pain, I am no longer able to run, I am no longer able to hold down a job.
I no longer want to take a chance on dating again, I don't believe I can handle being rejected again. My emotional physic can't take the heartbreak. Truthfully at this point in my life, I do good to take care of me and my two pups. I probally wouldn't be able to handle a relationship if I was lucky enough to find a man that would want to take ME with all of my medical issues. I believe I've missed that window of finding a partner. So now it is I with the COMMITMENT ISSUES...........LOST!
I started casually dating, dinner and drinks, nothing serious. But then things changed and I would meet someone who seemed to want a relationship, they would call all the time, we would make plans to go places, meet with other couples but then things would come to a screeching HALT. They had just come out of a bad relationship and was just wanting a casual thing!! Total heartbreak for me, you see, I was looking for a committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. But that was not to be, I was the official REBOUND girl!! This not only happened once but several times to me, I couldn't catch a break.
I still to this day do not understand, I let my walls down, let men get close but still no one wants a relationship with me. I wonder, maybe I have been alone so long that I don't know how to be a partner, maybe I don't know how to compromise, maybe I'm so damaged that I just think I'm letting my walls down. All I know is that I am very confused about finding someone to share my life with. I have friends that are newly divorced and already have a steady relationship.
What is wrong with me?? I'm attractive, smart, can carry on a conversation, have security, my own home and car. I keep a clean home, and appearance. My children are grown, and have children of their own. So no baggage with Ex's. What else are men looking for that I don't have??
In June of 2006 I started having some medical issues. I have become depressed, stressed, have anxiety attacks, insomnia. Jan 2007 brought pneumonia, and a hysterectomy, June 2007 brought a cervical fusion C 5,6,7 a titanium rod and 3 screws, October 2007, a broken right foot. From there things went further downhill, I could no longer run (to painful). I developed, fibromyalgia, arthritis, spinal stenosis, degenerative disc. disease, hyperreflexia and now maybe a thyroid problem. I have gained 25lbs in a month!?!? I fear I'm becoming a "SHUT-IN". Living with all of these illnesses, well, I live with chronic pain, I am no longer able to run, I am no longer able to hold down a job.
I no longer want to take a chance on dating again, I don't believe I can handle being rejected again. My emotional physic can't take the heartbreak. Truthfully at this point in my life, I do good to take care of me and my two pups. I probally wouldn't be able to handle a relationship if I was lucky enough to find a man that would want to take ME with all of my medical issues. I believe I've missed that window of finding a partner. So now it is I with the COMMITMENT ISSUES...........LOST!
Monday, January 3, 2011
ALWAYS PICKING THE WRONG MEN
Where did I leave off, oh yes, working as an optician apprentice, taking care of three children, taking care of a home, taking care of the yard work, ALONE. I would try dating, always meeting them away from the house, I didn't want to confuse the kids by bringing every man that I had a date with to the house. There were two men that they did meet, the ones that I thought might go somewhere, but of course they were train wrecks waiting to happen!
The first gentleman that was truly a good man and still is a good man, was the ex-husband of the woman my sons father was in love with and eventually married. I know, no one has to say it, what was I thinking. I mean this woman is the devil incarnate and that is being nice! We got along great he and I but there was always this evil scheming woman causing problems. So that ended quickly.
The next gentleman was funny, charming, good looking, great with my children, a fireman, had a side job building decks, he also had a side job driving for a patient care company, a boat, drove a nice truck. Seemed to have it all. He wanted a relationship same as me, so what could be the problem right? Well he moved in rather fast, taught my middle daughter how to do some cooking, got involved in my sons wrestling program in fact he started running it. He was awesome....WRONG!! The first thing my mother asked him was did he chase women with that ambulance???!! If that didn't give me a red flag it should have. My late sister told me he was evil too?!?! WHY IN THE HECK COULDN'T I SEE THAT? We lived together for three years, seemed pretty normal, had some ups and downs like most couples do. But boy was I blind.........
I found out the hard way what he was really about. Seems he had been married before and also had another relationship going on at the same time. Well guess what, yes you are correct he did the same thing to me, lying, cheating, SOB! The hardest thing for me about this whole situation was that I found out about who she was and how involved they were the day WE buried my sister, I was already in shock because of her suicide, we had just buried her that day and my son who was very young had a wrestling meet. So I took him, figured I would try to keep things as normal as possible, since he and I were over. Well after the meet, I saw her walking out of the gym, another odd thing was all of the wrestlers and parents were staying? Next thing I new all of the boys were lining up as if they were going to take a picture including my son and the coaches, I joined the other parents thinking I was about to take a photo but to my shock, I hear all of the boys at once asking if I would MARRY the coach, he comes sliding around on his knees, pops open this box with an engagement ring in it and puts it on my finger, I dropped my video camera (still recording, which someone picked up to catch it ALL on tape). I couldn't say anything, everyone was congratulating us, my son was hugging my neck. I felt like I had left my body and was watching from above!! Strangest feeling, at that point it was all I could do to keep it together. I gathered our things and WE headed out of the gym. I was engaged to this CRAZY and I'm talking CERTIFIBLE man. I gave him the ring back the next day!! I was stalked by him for 8 yrs, had a protective order for 2 of those years!! Boy do I know how to pick them.
I think at this point in my life is when I knew something was wrong, I started seeing a counselor, I wanted to know why I kept picking the wrong men, why did I attract them?? Why was I so trusting and how did I not know that he was living with and engaged to another woman?? I still don't have the answers that I seek.
The first gentleman that was truly a good man and still is a good man, was the ex-husband of the woman my sons father was in love with and eventually married. I know, no one has to say it, what was I thinking. I mean this woman is the devil incarnate and that is being nice! We got along great he and I but there was always this evil scheming woman causing problems. So that ended quickly.
The next gentleman was funny, charming, good looking, great with my children, a fireman, had a side job building decks, he also had a side job driving for a patient care company, a boat, drove a nice truck. Seemed to have it all. He wanted a relationship same as me, so what could be the problem right? Well he moved in rather fast, taught my middle daughter how to do some cooking, got involved in my sons wrestling program in fact he started running it. He was awesome....WRONG!! The first thing my mother asked him was did he chase women with that ambulance???!! If that didn't give me a red flag it should have. My late sister told me he was evil too?!?! WHY IN THE HECK COULDN'T I SEE THAT? We lived together for three years, seemed pretty normal, had some ups and downs like most couples do. But boy was I blind.........
I found out the hard way what he was really about. Seems he had been married before and also had another relationship going on at the same time. Well guess what, yes you are correct he did the same thing to me, lying, cheating, SOB! The hardest thing for me about this whole situation was that I found out about who she was and how involved they were the day WE buried my sister, I was already in shock because of her suicide, we had just buried her that day and my son who was very young had a wrestling meet. So I took him, figured I would try to keep things as normal as possible, since he and I were over. Well after the meet, I saw her walking out of the gym, another odd thing was all of the wrestlers and parents were staying? Next thing I new all of the boys were lining up as if they were going to take a picture including my son and the coaches, I joined the other parents thinking I was about to take a photo but to my shock, I hear all of the boys at once asking if I would MARRY the coach, he comes sliding around on his knees, pops open this box with an engagement ring in it and puts it on my finger, I dropped my video camera (still recording, which someone picked up to catch it ALL on tape). I couldn't say anything, everyone was congratulating us, my son was hugging my neck. I felt like I had left my body and was watching from above!! Strangest feeling, at that point it was all I could do to keep it together. I gathered our things and WE headed out of the gym. I was engaged to this CRAZY and I'm talking CERTIFIBLE man. I gave him the ring back the next day!! I was stalked by him for 8 yrs, had a protective order for 2 of those years!! Boy do I know how to pick them.
I think at this point in my life is when I knew something was wrong, I started seeing a counselor, I wanted to know why I kept picking the wrong men, why did I attract them?? Why was I so trusting and how did I not know that he was living with and engaged to another woman?? I still don't have the answers that I seek.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
FINDING YOURSELF AFTER DIVORCE
Well, after my divorce, I wasn't employed so I did in home daycare until I could find a job. That didn't last long because a luck would have it I got a job as a records release clerk at one of the local clinics, I thought that would be a great opportunity, room for advancement, "right", well the job I was hired to do was outsourced! So I was demoted to file clerk which included a pay cut!! I made more money doing daycare. My "ego" or "temper" got the best of me one day and I had a conversation with my boss and told her to take her job and shove it!! Felt really good to be able to do that at least once in my working days. Not the smartest way to handle it, I'll admit but it did feel good!
I quickly found that I had missed out on the night life. Being that I was pregnant at 21 with my second child. Man did I make up time, out on the weekends when I didn't have my children, I actually went out on Tuesdays also, met a group of friends at a regular watering hole and now that I think about it they were all guys, but they were some of my best friends, never dated any of them, just drank with them. Still friends with two of them to this day.
I made my way to a bar one night, one seat left up at the bar, no tables available, (the place was a hot spot for many years) so I took it. Little did I know that sitting next to me was another newly divorced lady. We hit it off immediately, have been great friends ever since. Now behind the bar was the man that after "dating" would become the father of my son. No we didn't marry, he didn't want anything to do with me! Come to find out he was seeing a married woman that lived in another state and was in love with her. Seeing a pattern yet?
There where many nights in between the first night I walked into that bar and when I got pregnant with my son. I met a lot of good, fun, crazy people, made some great memories that I will never forget. Wasted a lot of time on a man that didn't want me too!
I also met the person who gave me my next job opportunity. She worked for a private practice Optical Co. She talked to the owner and we set up the interview and low and behold I got the job!! I was and Optician in training, pay wasn't bad, had great benefits, and off on weekends. I was on top of the world, seemed like I had it all. Beautiful daughters, new job, great new friends. I was able to keep the same roof over my daughters heads!! Well a year passed, I was learning more and more about optical manufacturing and boom, surprise, I was expecting a baby, (my son). Now I had three children, a awesome job, awesome co-workers, great friends. I got into running road races (5k's, 10k's 12k's) life was good just not great. My son's father decided he wanted to be in his life when I was 8 months along. He did take his fathers last name and child support was paid, but he might as well been a ghost, you see the father was an alcoholic, so even though he was there.....he wasn't. He ended up marrying the woman he was in love with. Once again I was rejected and alone!?!? Wow, did that marriage turn out badly! (But that is his story to tell).
At this point, I am living life, but am I, it felt like I was just existing.
Thanks
P.S. I am interested in feed back so if you want to comment, please feel free.
I quickly found that I had missed out on the night life. Being that I was pregnant at 21 with my second child. Man did I make up time, out on the weekends when I didn't have my children, I actually went out on Tuesdays also, met a group of friends at a regular watering hole and now that I think about it they were all guys, but they were some of my best friends, never dated any of them, just drank with them. Still friends with two of them to this day.
I made my way to a bar one night, one seat left up at the bar, no tables available, (the place was a hot spot for many years) so I took it. Little did I know that sitting next to me was another newly divorced lady. We hit it off immediately, have been great friends ever since. Now behind the bar was the man that after "dating" would become the father of my son. No we didn't marry, he didn't want anything to do with me! Come to find out he was seeing a married woman that lived in another state and was in love with her. Seeing a pattern yet?
There where many nights in between the first night I walked into that bar and when I got pregnant with my son. I met a lot of good, fun, crazy people, made some great memories that I will never forget. Wasted a lot of time on a man that didn't want me too!
I also met the person who gave me my next job opportunity. She worked for a private practice Optical Co. She talked to the owner and we set up the interview and low and behold I got the job!! I was and Optician in training, pay wasn't bad, had great benefits, and off on weekends. I was on top of the world, seemed like I had it all. Beautiful daughters, new job, great new friends. I was able to keep the same roof over my daughters heads!! Well a year passed, I was learning more and more about optical manufacturing and boom, surprise, I was expecting a baby, (my son). Now I had three children, a awesome job, awesome co-workers, great friends. I got into running road races (5k's, 10k's 12k's) life was good just not great. My son's father decided he wanted to be in his life when I was 8 months along. He did take his fathers last name and child support was paid, but he might as well been a ghost, you see the father was an alcoholic, so even though he was there.....he wasn't. He ended up marrying the woman he was in love with. Once again I was rejected and alone!?!? Wow, did that marriage turn out badly! (But that is his story to tell).
At this point, I am living life, but am I, it felt like I was just existing.
Thanks
P.S. I am interested in feed back so if you want to comment, please feel free.
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